Who is louder?

Written by my friend Melissa Ford

  Who are you listening to? You’ve all seen the picture with the devil and the angel so strong on someone’s shoulders trying to get them to listen to them. Right? That’s how it really is if you kind of think about it… I mean, I know I have thoughts where I battle inside my head with what to do. And it’s in daily life tasks, “I should do the dishes, I should fold the laundry, I shouldn’t watch so much tv”, right. But it’s also about the spiritual life, salvation. “I should read my Bible, but I don’t have time.” I should play with my daughter, but I’m so tired. I should be a mentor to her, show her how a Godly woman keeps a house, plays with her children, basically teaches her to be a decent hardworking, God fearing woman of God, but can I just rest for now.” This is a war inside your mind, and it literally is the enemy planting seeds of doubt, stress, and burden into you. The thing is, the enemy doesn’t know if you heard him until you listen to him.” He is not omnipresent, he is not everywhere all at one, but he has demons and devils who will try to attach themselves to you, if you allow it…if you listen. That is the only way they know they have ground to stand on, because you bought into their lies and deceit. He is not omniscient, he does not know what is in your head until you show him, by who you listen to. The Bible tells us that Jesus told His disciples that He had to go, so the Holy Spirit could come. The beautiful thing about the Holy Spirit is that He is God in the spirit!! That means He is omnipotent all powerful, omnipresent everywhere all at once, and omniscient-He already knows everything! He knows who we will listen to, before we listen to them. He knows we will listen to the wrong voice, but He still tells us how we should live, what we should do, or not do. He is the still small voice inside, and He is is a gentleman. He will not take over until you invite Him to. And yet He still pursues us even when He know we will not listen…
  That’s really incredible! Who does that? Who will persist and persist and pursue someone who does not want to be pursued? Me? You? I doubt it. I don’t have the time for that, right? My first thought, Umm nope, I don’t have the heart to continue to pursue someone who does not want to be pursued. Is that a good thought, no! Heavens no, because He called us to be like Him and that’s exactly what He does! That is a fault of mine, an imperfection. I have so many!! I am by far perfect, not even close. I in this moment am not who I should be in Christ. And I know it. I was thinking about this today, the Holy Spirit has been wooing me, ever so gently and ever so softly.

  I can’t tell you how long I have pushed back, not listening to Him, not allowing Him control. I’m in this moment actively still not quite sure who I am listening to more… Who is louder in my life? It’s a serious question, who is louder? Life is hard. Sometimes it sucks, like a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot.
I’d like to share a true story of my life, most have probably heard it, some maybe not. A little over 8 years ago, I delivered my first born daughter Morgynn. Matt and I had difficulty getting pregnant and so when we found out I was pregnant we were overjoyed. It was something we wanted so very badly. My first 20 weeks of pregnancy were bliss, we were over the moon. At my 20 week ultrasound we had my mom and Matt’s mom with us so they could share the excitement of finding out what we would be having. The ultrasound seemed normal to me, I had no reason to think otherwise, until after when we met the doctor in the other room. She told us they found something on the ultrasound that was concerning, so they wanted us to follow up with MFM (maternal fetal medicine). They weren’t exactly sure what was wrong, it was either a cyst on her lung, or her diaphragm hadn’t grown correctly allowing her lower abdomen content to crowd her chest cavity (Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia) CDH. Of course when I got home I researched it and was traumatized by what I found. It is rare 1 in 2500(last I looked). The survival rate is 50%, so I had half a chance she would survive this, if it was this. When I got home and found this out I was crushed. I cried, curled up on the bed and yelled at God in my own way. I was sooo mad at Him! Why, how could He do this when “people who were not as good as me” get to have babies so easily! I remember saying “I don’t even want to be pregnant then!” I couldn’t get past being mad at Him for a while. I got depressed, I wouldn’t worship in church. I didn’t think God deserved any of my praise, I was so angry with Him. I remember Donna coming to me in the pews and praying for me. Probably cause I looked like daggers were coming out of my eyes. I didn’t want to even hear praises, I was mad!! I didn’t want to be at church. We had our appointment and it was confirmed that she had CDH. We were given the option of termination or we could see some specialists at UCSF. I didn’t even think twice, no way could I not fight for her. At that moment, something in my heart changed, who I listened to changed. I just knew I could try. I think at that point maybe my heart softened, a teeny bit. I started to hope, and we started to pray. We had several appointments at UCSF. They wanted, offered a fetal surgery in which they would put a little balloon inside her throat, to allow back pressure, which would hopefully allow her lungs to grow. We prayed about it. The surgery was high risk and I could go into premature labor. I felt like it was too risky. I believed in that moment that God would heal her and she would be an overcomer. I didn’t have too many doubts. I was choosing in that moment Who was louder to me! I allowed the Holy Spirit to take over my fear and He began to lift me up. My faith grew and grew. When I was induced, you couldn’t tell me she wasn’t going to survive. I wouldn’t believe it, even when the doctors and social worker told me in the room that she had a 2% chance of survival. I didn’t want to Hear it! Now they made me mad, lol. Maybe I have a problem, lol. I get mad, and don’t listen, and I’m done with the conversation. Just ask my husband. I told you I’m not perfect, another one of my imperfections. So I was induced and pushed in the OR so they could pass her to the neonatal team through a small door in the wall where they had a team of doctors just for her. They had told us at one of the appointments that they didn’t want her to cry, they needed to control her lungs ASAP. She came out and she cried, and it was the most beautiful cry I’ve ever heard. The only cry I would ever hear. She ended up with bilateral chest tubes, and within the first couple hours she was placed on ECMO, extra corporeal membrane oxygenation. Her lungs and heart were too weak to sustain her own oxygenation, so the machine -a huge machine did it for her. It went into her right jugular vein, which they told us would never be accessible again. At that point we wanted them to do whatever they could to keep her alive and give her a fighting chance. She had wires everywhere. We would sit at her warmer for hours and watch. Some of the nurses wouldn’t let me touch her, or if they did they said just place a hand on her, they didn’t want us to stimulate her too much. She was on a paralytic and pain medicine. They would attempt to decrease her paralytic to see how she would do, but if she moved too much it was titrated back up. I stood by her warmer and sang to her and stared more than I’d like to admit at the monitors and numbers. My nurse brain wanted to focus on the numbers because my mommy brain was overwhelmed seeing what was happening to my baby girl. I have a sweet video of her coming off of the paralytic and sedation enough to react as small as it was, to my singing. In the video she opens her eyes in response to my voice, one of if not, the only times she looked at me. I look back and realize during those days, who was louder did vary, but I chose to listen to the Holy Spirit. It was touch and go daily. She would overcome hurdles and then take a turn for worse. She was in the ICN, Intensive Care Nursery and there were hardly any chairs, it was not easy to stay there for long periods. Every time I left I felt guilty for not staying more. The morning of the day she died we went to breakfast at a restaurant. I hate that I wasn’t there for her all day. It still makes me feel guilty. It’s one of the louder voices that I hear. When they took her off of ECMO the evening before she passed away, her appearance changed dramatically. She lost so much fluid and looked like a different baby in the morning. There was one nurse that was so amazing. She let me change her diaper, and encouraged me to touch her and participate in her care. She came in on her night off when they extubated her and she passed in my arms. I told her I didn’t know how she did that job, I could never do it. She was an angel. We held her for the first time in her final moments, as she breathed her last breath. You know what’s beautiful about it, the loudest voice in my head urged me to worship God in that moment. I sang to her the praises of the Lord as she entered his presence. “How great is our God” is the one I remember the most. There was, there is no doubt in my mind that she is in heaven. I knew it with everything in my body, that voice held me during that time. At my one of the most tragic times in my life, and for a while after I felt closer to God than I ever have. I felt joy that was unexplainable, hope and peace that could only come from my Loving Father in heaven. I was at my strongest faith during one of the absolute worse things a parent can go through. I stood up at her funeral and sang praises crying because of her short life. My brother and sister in law called her Miracle Morgynn because of how her story touched others lives. She was only here for 13 days and she made a huge impact. God had a purpose for her. Today I am not as close to God as I was during that time. I’ve allowed other voices to be louder in my life. I still go through periods now where I am upset and hurt that she isn’t here. My thoughts shift and doubt creeps in. “I believe Lord, but help my unbelief” is so true. I don’t understand why we had to lose Morgynn and I probably won’t while I’m on this earth. But I can remember how at my lowest and most painful part of my life, I honestly did feel the most comfort, peace, joy and rest. I relinquished my heart, my hurt, my pain to the Lord and He held me and loved me in a way I can’t explain. I want to get back to that place, the place where I utterly give everything to Him and let Him carry me where He will. I couldn’t control the situation with Morgynn, so I had no choice to give it to God. I sure hope it doesn’t take another tragedy for me to get me to that place. This thought just came into my head as I was getting ready today and my thoughts wandered. I just stopped and thought “Who is louder?” Who am I listening to? Am I allowing the voice of the enemy to stop me from the will of God and doing His purpose? It’s up to me who I listen to. The enemy or that sweet, still small voice of the Holy Spirit. Will I make the right choice every time? No, because I am not perfect. I do know that if I allow the voice of God to be louder, I will plant myself on the path of righteousness. Will I stumble and fall? Yes, we all will – we are not perfect. There was only one man who is perfect, our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the only one among us who is perfect. And even he had to decide who was going to be louder to him! He had the voice of the enemy tempting him as well and it was hard. He chose to allow the will of the Father to be louder and in doing so created a way for everyone who believes in Him to have a way to Heaven. There is none among us who is perfect. Temptations will come, thoughts from the next will creep in. We have the choice to chose whom we will listen to, whom we will serve. So once again, think about who is louder in your life?